Monday, March 9, 2015

Tomorrow is the tenth

Tomorrow, March 10th, is a special day of remembrance.  I have very raw feelings about this day, so bear with me as I approach many emotional highs and lows to accompany "the tenth."  Two years ago on the tenth, Jonathan and I received the greatest news that we were pregnant! You can imagine the emotional high, as we had prayed fervently for this child. And God granted us the perfect gift!
Fastfoward-- One year ago on the tenth, Mama, my personal angel, was taken so peacefully from this earth. An obvious emotional low.  As many of you know losing a loved one is  a type of sadness that is indescribable. The sadness that came with losing her is something I may not ever recover from.  But with sadness, also comes happiness.  A prayer was answered the day Auri was born. And though Mama was very sick and weak, I truly believe she fought through her cancer battle a little bit harder until Auri was brought into this world.  Mama had the privilege of being the very first person to see and hold him. A memory I will never, ever forget.  A joyful day it was!

The days leading up to "the tenth" have been strange, and sad, and lonely.  It's almost like I am suffering another tremendous loss -- my mother's death all over again.  And to be remembered of This Day.  "This Day" is a previous blog post from a year ago, should you wish to read in more detail.

I know I am certainly not the only one hurting.  Please continue to pray for my Dad, my sisters, our whole entire family. We are all grieving differently.  We fortunately have many opportunities to talk and reminisce good times. The realization of her passing is supposed to get easier right?  Wrong.  I think I miss her more, as time goes by. But then I remember our last conversations, and her deep desire to want to be with The Lord, wanting to fly with angel wings, and wanting to be pain-free.  I am so happy for her!  She deserves the best seat in the house, at Jesus' feet.

Although some of my heart has healed in the past year, so much more of my heart is still deeply pained.  I've said I a million time before, but she truly is the most incredible person I know.  I miss her so much; on some days it's even hard to breathe. There are days that it is just too painful to face the facts.  And the facts are, she is with Jesus and not with me.  The good news is, she is in Heaven, and what greater place to be!? Than with our Great Healer, our Lord, our Lasting Hope.
I'm not sure if she can view the loved ones she's left behind.  Probably not.  She has way better things to do in Heaven, like dancing with Jesus and feasting all day long!  But I would really like to believe she is "with me" along side Jesus, guiding my decisions, helping me through this monumental yet painful time in my life.

Every single day is a new step in a positive direction.  Although it's been 365 days, I have a hard time believing it's been a year. So much has happened. Auri's first milestones of crawling, talking, walking, eating, etc. has certainly kept us busy and purely happy with life.  Moving to lafayette and transitioning to a new life here and also been a huge milestone in our family, but good things are happening!  I hope she's proud of me.  My prayer as a mother is to reflect the beauty, goodness, and courage that my own mother graciously provided for me.  There are so many moments when I crave her motherly advice.  She was so kind, and compassionate, and always had the right thing to say.  I so wish Mama was here to love on her grandson.  But in little ways that I can' quite explain in words, I can actually feel her loving on him from Heaven.

While loneliness has been a large component of my life during the past year, Love is also very evident in my life.  Feeling alone, is not an emotion I have ever felt before.  Loneliness has taken me to a dark and deep place.  God has shown his mercy and tenderness through continued support from my husband and family and friends. And with the sweet cuddles from my son, the loneliness cuts a little less deep.  My broken heart will never be unbroken. And that's ok! Every time I feel that pain, the deep ache of losing my incredibly special mother: I suddenly remember to live a better life. That's what she taught me-- to push through.  She, along with my Daddy, have taught me many life-lessons, but really they attribute to three things:
1-Tithe faithfully
2- Be kind to everyone
3- Work hard (on your relationships and your career) and you will be rewarded.

I have learned so much from this woman, and her significant impact on my life will remain forever. 

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my Mother." 
                            
                      - Abe Lincoln


Thank you to all my readers for allowing me to share my heart.  Writing has been a huge outlet for me to work through various emotions. So THANK YOU for listening.  Oh, do me a favor call or visit your mother RIGHT NOW and tell her you love her. This is me giving you all a great big (virtual) hug! :)

Love,
MaryBeth







Monday, February 2, 2015

The Move.

Well I suppose it's time to blog again.  I have felt a twinge of anxiety when thinking about what to write. Because, if I'm being completely honest, I have many emotions about this move -- and well, a lot of them aren't so positive.  However, I have learned so many things about myself; as I was told would happen.  And the learned lessons about life and family and faith and individuality and everything in between has allowed me to fully open my heart, and my hands, to our gracious God.   Y'all, God is moving in my life in far bigger ways than I expected.  And I am EXCITED!

Let me start with a brief backstory-- Jonathan took a job in August 2014 with LYSA/CSC (Director of youth development for Cajun Soccer Club) and head coach for Teurlings Catholic HS. Taking this job was a huge leap of faith.  Not something either of us EVER thought would happen, but suddenly; we were uprooting our comfortable lives from good ole Ruston, La. Jonathan temporarily lived with family while I was tying up loose ends back in Ruston. Lindsey and Andy Melancon (sister and bro-in-law) were a HUGE blessing throughout this transition.  I think I've said Thank-you a thousand times, but seriously that isn't enough.  They have been there with us through it all.  And I am forever grateful for their hospitality.  So, fast-forward to February. We have been living in Lafayette as a family for 3 months.  Each day gets a little easier. I have had the incredible opportunity to stay home with Auri. I have been able to physically watch him grow into this hilarious, smart, rebellious little toddler.  This little guy brings more happiness, and occasionally frustration, than I ever knew possible.  He is amazing and a constant joy to our family. Which leads to my first learned lesson:

Lesson #1--God wanted it all along:
    The Lord knew my heart, and my willingness to contribute financially to our family. However, he had other plans. I wasn't able to find a job-with no other explanation, except for God knew I needed time to rest.  So, a stay-at-home mommy I became.
The Lord speaks, "Be still. Enjoy this time."

Answered prayer! My time at home has been amazing.  Auri loves the extra space in our new house; and I cannot keep him out of our backyard!!  We have truly gotten to know each other.  And he is my favorite person.
But this bonding time is coming to an end. A position opened up at an excellent daycare- so we took it! Whereas my time home has been invaluable, it's time for Auri to play with other kids and follow a learning curriculum.  And Mama gets to go to work! 
Most of you know I have been practicing Real Estate for over 2 years.  God has lead me to the opportunity to affiliate my license -- and become a full-time Realtor! I am working for Keller Williams Realty Acadiana, and I feel this is exactly where I need to be.  My biggest challenge thus far has been building my client database.  Mainly because I know 5 people in this city and 2 of them are family. Not really, but you get the idea. God will provide, just like he has everything else.  But I also need your help!
Do YOU know of anyone looking to buy a house, sell a house, or invest in Real Estate?  Even if you don't live in the Lafayette area, I have trusted Realtor relationships all over.  Seriously, give me a call [or text or email] I would love to chat!

Cell: 318.237.0462
Direct: 337.456.9781
Email: marywalsh@kw.com

I am truly excited about this career for a couple reasons. What a great opportunity to build new friendships! I also feel this is an extremely bold connection for me to share God's presence in my life. Not only is Keller Williams an outwardly Christ-first company; The Christians I have met have been so very encouraging and uplifting. So I say again, I am right where I need to be.

Lesson #2--Material things don't matter:
   So, the day I moved Jonathan to Lafayette, August 18th to be exact... I lost my wedding ring.  You read that right... My gorgeous diamond engagement ring is no where to be found. I have traced my steps a thousand times. Everyone knows moving is stressful, but this just about did me in.  Yes, It was a very nice ring that has a substantial monetary value. But It truly wasn't about that for me. It was about somehow in the midst of this hectic life, I managed to lose the very thing that signifies to the world I am married. It was the first "investment" that began the lifelong commitment of Jonathan and I in marriage. To this day, I am absolutely devastated. I have been physically sick over it. Maybe one day I will find it -maybe not. But either way; I learned a hard lesson. Pay attention to the people who matter most to you.  It's not about the things--it's the people.  I also get the privilege of wearing my grandmothers ring. This ring is very special to me.  Not only is it a family ring, but my Mom gave it to me on my wedding day.  Seems appropriate, right?  I love it. A constant reminder of love- in all aspects of my life.
And In case you're wondering, Jonathan quickly forgave me ;)

Lesson #3--It's OK to be homesick:
     The first few weeks in our new city were...weird? This transition was WAY harder than I imagined. I wanted so hard to for this to feel normal, but Real talk: I regretted our move for a while.  People relocate ALL the time-- why is it so difficult for me?  I lost many hours of sleep pondering the unknown and unanswered questions in my head. And mostly I was terrified. Terrified of everything.  The thought of making new friends, beginning a new career, finding a church family- it was daunting to me.  I hold it together most days- but some moments, mainly the ones when I realized I couldn't just pick up the phone and call my mom for advice, I would completely lose hope.
The reason I'm ok with being homesick is because I can truly appreciate my upbringing, my hometown, and my family.  The ache of not living in my hometown anymore brings happiness in the thoughts of where I have come, and who I am today. Through many meltdowns, tears, and prayer: I learned to get a grip.  In my darkest time, the  Lord reveals himself.  "Trust me. You are here because I placed you here." So, I have learned to fully trust in the Lord and his provision for my life.  Fully trusting Him, is kind of a loaded segment. But my faith has grown immensely. My heart is truly happy for my situation.  Even though this is no where near how I would have predicted my life to go.  Turns out, it's better! I've said it before- God is always at work, but I am learning to take the time to recognize all of His glory- in each and every circumstance.

Lesson #4-- Friends will come. 
Friendships are very important to me. My 30 years in Ruston have allowed me to experience relationships in ways that have hugely impacted my life. From childhood friends, to church friends, to college friends, to work friends-- I cherish each relationship. One of my hesitations of moving was the thought of starting over: and finding my people. 
God has a way of strategically placing people in our lives to strengthen us, to help us, and to be a friend.  When I think of how God has used other people to help me along with this move: 2 people come to mind. (1) Lindsey. From the beginning, my sister-in-law has become one of my best friends.  I'm very thankful for her for numerous reasons, but mainly for just being there.  She is quite the amazing sister-friend. (2)Tabitha. She's my neighbor, my walking buddy, and my friend.  She has welcomed me with open arms from the day we moved in... And she is a far bigger blessing in my life than she may realize.

So, to wrap things up: moving has been a struggle, and a blessing. The actual relocation has been the biggest physical change; but not only did I move to Lafayette but I moved to a place spiritually that I didn't even know existed.  My heart is sometimes confused with the many emotions I travel through each day; but I know one thing for sure: God will never leave me, or forsake me. He has placed me right where I am to be a supportive wife to Jonathan, and a loving mother to Auri. As a believer, I trust God to guide me every step of the way. As terrified as I am, He makes me fearless. Everything else will fall into place.  I look forward to looking back on "that time I was transplanted to Lafayette" and seeing how our lives have changed for the better.