Monday, March 9, 2015

Tomorrow is the tenth

Tomorrow, March 10th, is a special day of remembrance.  I have very raw feelings about this day, so bear with me as I approach many emotional highs and lows to accompany "the tenth."  Two years ago on the tenth, Jonathan and I received the greatest news that we were pregnant! You can imagine the emotional high, as we had prayed fervently for this child. And God granted us the perfect gift!
Fastfoward-- One year ago on the tenth, Mama, my personal angel, was taken so peacefully from this earth. An obvious emotional low.  As many of you know losing a loved one is  a type of sadness that is indescribable. The sadness that came with losing her is something I may not ever recover from.  But with sadness, also comes happiness.  A prayer was answered the day Auri was born. And though Mama was very sick and weak, I truly believe she fought through her cancer battle a little bit harder until Auri was brought into this world.  Mama had the privilege of being the very first person to see and hold him. A memory I will never, ever forget.  A joyful day it was!

The days leading up to "the tenth" have been strange, and sad, and lonely.  It's almost like I am suffering another tremendous loss -- my mother's death all over again.  And to be remembered of This Day.  "This Day" is a previous blog post from a year ago, should you wish to read in more detail.

I know I am certainly not the only one hurting.  Please continue to pray for my Dad, my sisters, our whole entire family. We are all grieving differently.  We fortunately have many opportunities to talk and reminisce good times. The realization of her passing is supposed to get easier right?  Wrong.  I think I miss her more, as time goes by. But then I remember our last conversations, and her deep desire to want to be with The Lord, wanting to fly with angel wings, and wanting to be pain-free.  I am so happy for her!  She deserves the best seat in the house, at Jesus' feet.

Although some of my heart has healed in the past year, so much more of my heart is still deeply pained.  I've said I a million time before, but she truly is the most incredible person I know.  I miss her so much; on some days it's even hard to breathe. There are days that it is just too painful to face the facts.  And the facts are, she is with Jesus and not with me.  The good news is, she is in Heaven, and what greater place to be!? Than with our Great Healer, our Lord, our Lasting Hope.
I'm not sure if she can view the loved ones she's left behind.  Probably not.  She has way better things to do in Heaven, like dancing with Jesus and feasting all day long!  But I would really like to believe she is "with me" along side Jesus, guiding my decisions, helping me through this monumental yet painful time in my life.

Every single day is a new step in a positive direction.  Although it's been 365 days, I have a hard time believing it's been a year. So much has happened. Auri's first milestones of crawling, talking, walking, eating, etc. has certainly kept us busy and purely happy with life.  Moving to lafayette and transitioning to a new life here and also been a huge milestone in our family, but good things are happening!  I hope she's proud of me.  My prayer as a mother is to reflect the beauty, goodness, and courage that my own mother graciously provided for me.  There are so many moments when I crave her motherly advice.  She was so kind, and compassionate, and always had the right thing to say.  I so wish Mama was here to love on her grandson.  But in little ways that I can' quite explain in words, I can actually feel her loving on him from Heaven.

While loneliness has been a large component of my life during the past year, Love is also very evident in my life.  Feeling alone, is not an emotion I have ever felt before.  Loneliness has taken me to a dark and deep place.  God has shown his mercy and tenderness through continued support from my husband and family and friends. And with the sweet cuddles from my son, the loneliness cuts a little less deep.  My broken heart will never be unbroken. And that's ok! Every time I feel that pain, the deep ache of losing my incredibly special mother: I suddenly remember to live a better life. That's what she taught me-- to push through.  She, along with my Daddy, have taught me many life-lessons, but really they attribute to three things:
1-Tithe faithfully
2- Be kind to everyone
3- Work hard (on your relationships and your career) and you will be rewarded.

I have learned so much from this woman, and her significant impact on my life will remain forever. 

"All that I am, or hope to be, I owe to my Mother." 
                      - Abe Lincoln

Thank you to all my readers for allowing me to share my heart.  Writing has been a huge outlet for me to work through various emotions. So THANK YOU for listening.  Oh, do me a favor call or visit your mother RIGHT NOW and tell her you love her. This is me giving you all a great big (virtual) hug! :)



  1. Your words are truly beautiful, MaryBeth. With tears in my eyes, I can confidently say that I know she is proud of you. Sending a virtual hug right back at you. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  2. LOVE this! You are so precious to me, MB!!!! Praying for you!